When Knowing Becomes Not Knowing and Not Knowing Becomes Reality: Pre-Office Idiots, Cyber Creeps & Texting Cougars

Tweet tweet.

@Obnoxioustweeter1: Where you at? 

@Obnoxioustweeter2: (in reply to Obnoxioustweeter1): My spot wit @anotherobnoxioustweeter. Where yue at? 

Disclaimer: This twitter conversation is 100% real, however the twitter names have been changed to names deemed more appropriate.

There is so much I could comment on here, but for the sake of subject matter, lets concentrate on "where you at?".

My mind takes me back to an English lesson in eighth grade on prepositions. My teacher had made a big, red, cut-out dog house and a little, black, cut-out dog to go with it. We were supposed to create and demonstrate sentences with the model. The sentence was "The dog went __________ her dog house. The blank was supposed to be filled in by prepositions (around, over, under, etc.). More important than the dog's whereabouts though, that lesson made me forever remember that you are NEVER SUPPOSED TO END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSITION. Guess what other word is a preposition? Yes! At is a preposition and it is NOT an exception.

(Side note, before you go all crazy judgemental on my ass, I did learn about prepositions long before eighth grade. My school district was the kind that liked to keep hammering like grammar lessons into your skull until you graduated.)

Continued: Not an exception, I say. But, people act as though it is. Jennifer Hudson even performed a new song last week on American Idol called.....WHERE YOU AT? Cringe. I died a little inside each time she wailed those words and as if the chorus repeating two thousand times wasn't enough, the back up singers were softly repeating the phrase during the versus too. It felt like a bad, schizophrenic dream that I couldn't wake up from. The vocals were great, but the words turned a good song into torture.

Before I go on, I'm going to acknowledge that I believe some of you use this expression as slang. However in most cases, slang is used to shorten words or phrases and in this instance, I just don't feel that it makes sense. "Where you at" has the same number of words as it's grammatically correct equivalent "Where are you".

Even better is the "Where you been at?". Where have you been is also a sentence constructed of four words.

Some even use "at" at the end of sentences where it is not even taking the place of a correct word. "Where's the stapler at?". I remember my FIRST GRADE teacher telling a student that she didn't need to add the word at to the end of such sentences. It's an EXTRA word! It makes the sentence LONGER! It takes up MORE characters on twitter!

Sometimes there is a fine line between knowing and not knowing and this is what I see happening here. Some of you are smart. Some of you know sentences like these aren't grammatically correct, but you use them anyway. Maybe because your friends do, maybe because you think you have to, but the rest of you really have no idea. I urge you to at least know the difference because if not, when you grow up and have to put on your big girl/boy pants, you will become the office idiot, cyber creep and/or texting cougar. Food for thought, kids.

With Love, JM....WHO?

"Thanks so much for your e-mail. I'll get back to you when I know more on this front. - MJ"

Eeee! *teeny scream* Michael Jackson sent me an e-mail from heaven!! Oh, wait...this isn't him? But MJ...oh....Mark...Jones?

This annoys me. Using your first and last initials as a sign off. And I understand that a lot of you do it. I'm just not a fan and I'll tell you why.

Especially in cases like this: MJ. MJ is a nickname that was given to Michael Jackson. His fans still call him MJ to this day. Everyone knows Michael Jackson as MJ. Therefore, when I read "MJ", my mind registers this as Michael Jackson, not Mark Jones from Bumfuck, Alabama. Sorry. Likewise, JK is Jordan Knight, at least for us Blockheads in New Kids land. (Hey JK, how you doonin? ;) ).

This is not just for the unlucky commoners that have the initials MJ, JK, ET (phone home), etc. What bothers me is that when you use your initials to sign off, you give the impression that you are somehow superior. Everyone knows me! "TTYL - AB". No, everyone does not know you. YOU are not a known celebrity or public figure whose initials are used as a nickname. When people think of YOU, your initials do not come to mind. That is not what they call you to your face. Stop pretending you are more important than everyone else. NEWSFLASH - You aren't! Even if your Mommy told you that you are. Even if your head is blown up the size of Texas. Even if your shit really doesn't stink.

If you do this to save time, "Mark" could have been typed using two more keystrokes in approximately one second. If you really need to save that one second in your day, e-mail signatures work fabulously in cases like these. You already have your WHOLE NAME and your title programmed in so that it shows up on all of your e-mails. You don't even have to worry about it! In most instances, your title proves more important than your initials anyway. (And it's common practice, so you don't look like an asshole!) Amazing.

Texting Cougars

Text messaging. We break many grammatical rules with this short message service (SMS). It is a quick and perhaps the easiest way to get in contact with people when you are busy and don't need an urgent response. Many abbreviations are used while texting. Many of which still kill my soul, but at the same time I accept because of the quick nature and purpose of this medium.

Every individual and age group seem to have their own texting style whether it be massive abbreviations (usually seen from pre-teens and teens), dashes substituted for periods, no capitalization, the famous "..." and the list goes on.

This all does make me cringe, but like I said, I have come to accept it. However, there is one text message soul killer that I can not accept, the worst one of all, and that is adults who text like their children.

My mom once received this text message from a middle-aged acquaintance:

"R U coming 2 dinner 2night? I made reservations 4 7. Should be a gr8 time!"

Disgruntled Writer's mother is very intelligent (as someone who birthed me would obviously be) and well-versed with newer technology, but she couldn't believe her eyes when she saw this one and as you can imagine, my eyes pretty much popped out of my sockets and went flying to another continent. 

I'm sorry, but this freakin' screams 14 year old in a chat room. It is the digital equivalent of the cougar: the mom who is competing with her daughter. The mom who tries to stuff her post-menopausal body into her pre-menstrual daughter's mini skirt. The "cool" mom. Meaning, the one who all of your kid's friends make fun of because you are so ridiculous.

Is that what ya'll are going for? Because that's how it comes across. And if you are trying to be a text message cougar, then you need to grow up. Act your age. People don't take you seriously as a human being. They roll their eyes at you on many occasions. U R NOT cool (nor are your offspring if he/she/they taught you to text like that and are over the age of 14).

I Suppose I'm Supposed to Give You Fools Another Grammar Lesson

Suppose vs. supposed. This is a grammatical disaster perhaps even worse THAN (I'm making a contrast here, remember?) then and than. I've seen this one pop up a lot on facebook and twitter in recent days, months, etc. (By parents, educators & celebs no less. Maybe the celebrities are a little more excusable, but I digress.). This cannot go ignored.

"The snow is suppose to start here at midnight tonight."

No, the snow is NOT SUPPOSE to start there at 12:00 A.M. It is SUPPOSED to.

Similarly: "Where is the manual that says a 2nd wedding is SUPPOSE (she even capitalized it for me) to have a Bachelorette Party & a Bridal Shower. How much lingerie can a girl get?"

I love ya Sherri Shepherd, but girl, a second wedding is not SUPPOSE to have anything. Sorry.  Good luck with that lingerie though, you could always sell it on e-bay or something.

SUPPOSE is a verb, people. Can we all reach back into our first grade thinking caps and remember what a verb is? Reach for it, reach for it....aha! A verb tells us what the subject is doing.

First sentence subject: snow. Snow what? Starts. (Verb.) Second sentence subject: Second wedding. Second wedding what? Have (form of has.). Verb. Verbs. Get it? Snow or weddings can't suppose. In fact, I believe it is even physically impossible. Oooh. And they really can't suppose if the sentence already contains a meant verb.

Suppose should be used as follows: "It's already 3:00, I suppose I should get going." 

Supposed on the other hand is an adjective, and is what all of you mean to say/type. I'm too annoyed to give a lesson on adjectives right now as I just had to give one on verbs. (For free no less, sorry, I'm sick of unpaid internships.)  I'll give you this and if you still don't understand, you're a disgrace to humanity:  I/you/he/she/it is supposed or not supposed to do something (something being the......verb!). If you guessed that on your own, good job. You can now return to first grade....in your own classroom. Oy.

All that being said, I know what your argument is. You are all just SO confused because when people speak, most of them pronounce the "d" in supposed more silently than not. Therefore, to your ear it sounds like suppose instead of supposed. (Especially those of us from Jersey, you know how we do not pronouncing a "d" or a "t" every now and then. Example: Trenton = Trenin.) And before you go knocking my Jerseyness (Fuck you), let me just remind you that although I may make not pronounce some letters to their fullest extent, I still know how to use and spell these words correctly. Many of YOU, do not.

Didn't your mama tell you not to always believe everything you hear (especially when taught otherwise)? Tsk tsk.

Abbrevs.

Yesterday was my dad's birthday. (Happy Birthday, Dad! The part of my soul that isn't near death loves my family, FYI.)

Funny I say FYI because I would like to discuss abbreviations today. As I was scanning my dad's birthday wishes yesterday, I came across this one: HBD. Really? Do we really have to use abbreviations for every flippin' word these days? (And I'm not talking about twitter because sometimes we have to get creative using the 140 character limit.) But, come on. I timed it. Writing out the words "Happy Birthday" takes approximately 3 more seconds than using the newfound abbreviation, HBD. You can't spend three extra seconds to wish someone you care about a happy birthday by spelling it out? If you can't spare a mere three seconds for this person, why are you wishing them a happy birthday anyway?

Some abbreviations have become widely used and are second nature to us such as FYI, ASAP & BTW. Some, not so much, however, I encourage you to know the right abbreviation for a word before you make an "educated" guess.

I have seen such abbreviations appear on my facebook and twitter feeds respectively: *$, meaning Starbucks and Dunkies for Dunkin Donuts. These top notch coffee extraordinaries already have other widely used abbreviations, Starbucks being SBUX and Dunkin Donuts is a simple...wait for it...DD. Perhaps you "visionaries" know this and were just trying to be "cute" or something, but honestly, it just makes you look corny. Maybe you think your abbreviation is better than the one EVERYONE ELSE uses, but apparently you are alone in your assumption. Please remove "trendsetter" from your bucket list. It's unachievable. Dunkies Dude, you even could have spared 5, glorious characters tweeting DD.  Think about it. Not cute or creative, just annoying.

Then, my favorite, you have the brainstormers who use a correct abbreviation, however for the WRONG WORD.  I have recently seen this headline come from a high-profile, entertainment news blog. "Khloe + Lamar Call From Robert's Colonic Apt???"

We are talking about the Kardashians, here. This is not surprising. What is surprising however, is the abbreviation for apartment (Apt.) being used instead of the abbreviation for appointment (Appt.). I am not a rocket scientist, but I am going to guess that Robert was at a colonic appointment, not a colonic apartment. *Shrugs*

Perhaps this blogger accidentally missed a "p" or perhaps he/she (I'm being nice doing this) really didn't know the proper abbreviation, but editing, spell checking and researching are all great tools, especially when you are in a professional environment. For all of your salary, 401K, benefits and paid vacation and sick days, these kind of mistakes should NOT happen!

In conclusion, LAZY!

Use it right or take an extra three seconds out of your day to spell it out! Rawr!

Cyber Creeps And Office Idiots

Welcome to punctuation pre-101. And I'm not even talking about the hard stuff, you know, like when to use a semi colon or a colon. We'll delve into those tricksters in another blog. This is just about using punctuation. JUST using it.

Here are some snippets from a BUSINESS e-mail I once received.

" hi

i received your app for the internship as asst for our production company, ________ productions

please send me a picture and more info about your requirements and availability and we can set up an interview

feel free to look me up on imdb

thx _________"

My stomach churned when I first read this e-mail. The fact that you use no punctuation (or capitalization as the two usually go hand in hand) really disturbs me. Not only does this make me not want to hit reply, it makes me not take you seriously AT ALL. I don't even care that you have an IMDB page to back yourself up. It makes you look creepy. Reading e-mails like this elicits similar feelings to being followed by a child molester or rapist. I'm not even exaggerating.

Then I've also received such COMPANY WIDE e-mails before (From managers, no less. Managers who get paid a heck of a lot more than I do):

"please use the office supplies you have in stock before ordering new ones......we are trying to cut costs....you should of went over this at your last staff meetings......"

I get the message. I do. Even when you decided to use the word "of" instead of "have". (You can bet your bottom dollar we will discuss this in the future too.) But would it kill you to just use one period at the end of an obvious sentence? Look how much energy you are wasting using the "..." anyway. And, capitalize each word in the beginning of a sentence. Do we not learn this on our first days of writing class? I don't understand how you can not care if you look like an idiot sending out a company wide e-mail. ESPECIALLY if you are a manager. Talk about respect! This causes your co-workers (especially those who you manage that actually know to put one little dot at the end of a thought) to wonder about your intelligence level and perhaps even become bitter. (What? I'm not speaking from personal experience or anything.)

I'm all for certain liberal pleasures in the 21st century, but sometimes there are certain lines we should not cross and this is one of them. I promise, your work environments will become much more positive if you just throw in a freakin' period once in awhile. Punctuation has been put in place for a reason. Use it.

Loveeeee, Hateeeeee. Whtttt Issssss Ittttt? Irritating.

Teenagers, I've only ever seen ya'll do this one, so I'm blaming this on you. And if you are a teenager and you don't participate in this past the point of laughable typing skill, THANK YOU.

Exhibit A

"Nooooooooo, uuuuuuu cn'tttt doooo thssss 2 meeeeeeee."

Forget the "u" for "you" right now, I can't even go there. I realize while chatting online we all may stress the last letter on the end of ONE word in order to display surprise or disbelief, but why do you need to add multiple last letters to EVERY WORD IN THE SENTENCE?! And the best part is, you add extra letters you don't need to the end of words while omitting letters you do need to correctly spell words!

Try speaking a sentence like the one above you have typed. Even characters on the worst soap opera don't speak this dramatically. (Yes, Days Of Our Lives, I'm talking about you.  It's a shame Passions is no longer on the air or I wouldn't have even picked on you right there.) This is just annoying and it makes you sound like you are constantly on your period (males included).

But not only is this heinous typing habit used to express your teenage angst, it's also used at the other end of the spectrum.

Exhibit B

"Iiiiiiiiii loveeeeeee youuuuuuu," "Lveeeee youuuuuu," "Luvvvvvvuuuuuuuuu."

And numerous other variations of the expression are read in response to teen facebook pictures and statuses every day. Especially girls. Girls, let me tell you something. Most of you will not be friends forever. As much as you believe you will, cases of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants are far and few between. One of you will grow bigger boobs than the rest of your friends and will start attracting male attention. This attention will lead her into the "popular" group, leaving the rest of you in the dust. Another one of you will start to excel in a certain area, say volleyball or lacrosse. This sport and team will soon become her life, again leaving the rest of you....in the dust. Your personal dust particle will end up being so minuscule that you will undoubtedly regret those "loveeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuu's." The "cool kids" may even go as far as purging them for their facebook forever.

And of course, we can't forget about this last part.

Exhibit C

"Withhhh myyyy grlfriendddd. I loveeee my bybyyyy." "I love my boyfrndddd soooooooo mchhhhhh!!!!! Loveee uuuuu boooooo." "Withhhh myyyyy baybeeeee, gettinnnn rdyyyyy."

As much as most of you examples in Exhibit B will end up hating each other, the hate ratio quadruples for you couples in Exhibit C. You will not be together forever. You will end up regretting this cyber love (albeit extremely exaggerated and once again, sans necessary letters) you once expressed. Why leave yourself (and others) reminders of this?

In fact during and after the break up stages of friendship and "love", you all return to Exhibit A, teenage angst and black clouds in tact. You have created a viscous cycle. Let's just pray it doesn't carry over to your schoolwork.

Like friends, foes and exes, I'm hoping you'll outgrow this typing craze too.